Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department
of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal
government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be
"minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division
of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July
of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4
1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically"
accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage
the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it
felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred
to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track
record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support
and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000
annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly",
though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from
his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House
and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy",
he observed, "and look how well we're doing". In addition, Gates said,
all state and local branch governments will have to renew their licensing agreements
with the new Microsoft Federal Government in order to keep current liberty rights
intact. "It's not anti-competitive, only acting as any capitalist soverign would
toward lesser competitors."
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said,
"We don't deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens
will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts
on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft:
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software
for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range
of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with
the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and
free society every day.
About the United States:
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the
history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over
200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned
subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation. |
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